Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Past Issue, Present Obstacle, Future Outlook Spread

Past Issue, Present Obstacle, Future Outlook Spread
Again using the Tarot Bible by Sarah Bartlett, I used a somewhat modified version of the classic past, present, future spread. I liked this version of it and thought it seemed to give more information than the p/p/f without being overly complicated.

Looking at these cards I'm a tiny bit puzzled. I know this sounds silly but this is not what I expected. For a spread detailing so many obstacles, I expected more defeated-looking cards, wouldn't you say so? Well maybe not. It takes some thinking to figure out why a certain card presents in a position, so here goes...

1. ) 10 of Cups 2.) 9 of Cups 3.) Ace of Pentacles 4.) Temperance 5.) 10 of Pentacles
Me right now is the 10 of Cups (hidden under the 9 of Cups) which shows a loving, emotionally close family. That's nice. I do feel loved by my current and immediate family.  However, when looking at the example (see picture of the page in the book) we see the person framing the first card as a desire rather than a current state. If this is the case, then my desire is to have a happy and emotionally healthy family. I also note that a man and woman and two kids are present in the 10 of Cups, and this makes me think of my second child thought.

In the present obstacles place we have the 9 of Cups, which is interesting. Normally the 9 of Cups indicates something that we want coming to us with relative ease. To me, this either indicates that I don't know what I want or there's some obstacle to getting what I want. I think both could be true, but I feel that most of my hang-ups are internal, even if some of them are justified. I'm afraid for the health of the baby, for how my daughter will do, and mostly uncontrollable but scary genetic factors. I actually told my husband last night that I was afraid of my desire to have a child and thought it was 'dangerous' because of the risks involved.

In the past issues still unresolved place we have the Ace of Pentacles. This made me think of health and money, two topics commonly seem with the pentacles suit. We have struggled with my daughter's health issues, especially over the past year plus, and at the same time we've struggled with financial concerns, largely stemming from those health expenses. This week, in fact, my husband accidentally forgot to account for a bill that's going through and we're -70+ in the hole and his account will likely bounce. He gets paid on Friday but we don't think it'll happen in time to prevent this, and I don't have any money to cover it (plus I need at least a tiny bit of money to pay for food.)

I hate having money issues. I'm incredibly lucky to have the supportive family and friends that I do, but for some reason we're always in the hole. I know we could use some pointers on money (which I've looked into and will do so more in earnest soon) but part of it is this ongoing medical chaos that is taking way longer than I would've hoped. So I think the Ace of Pentacles in this position makes sense.

In the past obstacle (resolved, I'm assuming, since the other one was unresolved?) we have Temperance. When I see the image of Temperance pouring something between two cups I often think of the balance of medications and supplements my daughter takes, epecially as they are almost all liquid. This card is also about maintaining or attaining some sort of healthful balance. This shows me that we've made some progress with that. I think this is true but we still have a ways to go so I don't know if I'd say it is resolved (unless I've completely misinterpreted this.) However, if it turns out to be true that my daughter's main issue is her B6-deficient seizures, then maybe it's more resolved than I think and it just needs a little time to catch up as we get the details worked out.

In the how to move forward position, the final card, we have the 10 of Pentacles. This is the family security/money/housing/practical card. It's also about inheritances and money and property received, although I don't see how that would happen but I like to bring that up whenever I see this card anyway.  This is an interesting companion to the 10 of Cups, and would be most helpful. I like the stability that it adds to the reading. I could do with the feeling of solidness and security that the 10 of Pentacles offers since I've felt like life has pulled the floor out from under me over the past few years. I literally have lost faith in a lot of things, namely my ability to create or do anything without it being a disaster...

Magic Mentha

Monday, November 29, 2010

Another Spread for Y'all

The 'All Change' spread from The Tarot Bible, click to enlarge

Baby Brain, Cont'd: Llewellyn's Online Tarot and a P/P/F

Christmas 2006

I just did a three card reading using Llewellyn's online reader and the past, present, future spread. Now, one thing I dislike about the past, present, future spread is that it is so...limiting. It segments life into such a needlessly simplistic and sometimes shocking frame.

Take this reading for instance. The baby thing is still on my mind. Partially because I don't really know FOR SURE what is going on. I bled (spotted in a medium/scanty-flow kind way) for three days, and felt strange the whole time, and then it stopped. This happened a week and a half before my period was slated to begin. This was either an early miscarriage or I am, in fact, pregnant and the spotting was implantation bleeding.  So this is all still, frankly, a mystery to me.

I know that the chances of me being pregnant from having sex only a handful of times, trying to conceive for one month are fairly minimal, but it's not impossible, and I'm still wondering what is going on, since the physician's assistant which I saw told me rather plainly that she couldn't tell me for sure what was happening since it was still over a week until my period was to start, and that it may not even be possible to detect anything yet.

Even so, I realize that either hoping or fearing for something to happen will not serve me. I have to live in the present and be at peace with whatever is happening. Well, I don't HAVE to, but it might make things easier.  Ok...so this brings me to the three card reading I just did.

The first card, the Six of Cups, is a card I've gotten several times over the past month. When I see this card, even though its general meaning is about nostalgia, childhood friends and other warm and fuzzy things, what I always take note of is that two children are depicted in the card, and with the topic of a second child up in the air I can't help but take this into account. As all you snazzy tarot readers out there know, it's very important to take note of your immediate impressions as well as the actual meanings of the cards themselves.

In the second card we see a continuation of my recurring card theme. Here we have the Page of Swords, who I've come to represent my second child. I'm making a lot of assumptions here. That it's a boy, for one, and that it's an airy boy. But in reality, this is a representation only. Representations have their place, and it's nice to be able to quickly identify a card as representing a certain person or situation. This is especially true of court cards since you can just know right off the bat what the reading is referring to. In this case, this is clearly confirming the first card about the second child.

In the third position we have the moping person in the Four of Cups. What am I disenchanted with? Is it that I'm not sure what I want? Am I unhappy with how things are going? Do I feel like I can't go forward with a plan to have a second child? Do I feel doubtful of myself? Am I being presented some sort of opportunity but being too afraid, upset or sorrowful to see it? Well, the answer may be all of the above, and the reason behind this melancholy is likely unresolved parenting issues and insecurities surrounding my daughter and her health issues, but also an underlying issue with self-esteem.

This reading is interesting because it mirrors another three card reading I did this evening but didn't post. I was, again, thinking about the second child concept but not really acknowledging to myself that I was still thinking about it. There was a certain denial to it, so much so that I wouldn't even allow myself to think about it, much less really openly express it. But it shows up in the cards, anyway. That's how it works.

The cards I received were the Two of Swords, which shows a woman refusing to look at something, turning a blind eye to what is happening (the image of the woman with a blindfold and crossed swords is a very tight, closed image) and even denying to herself what she wants. There may be some sort of uncomfortable truce with herself or someone else, which is not so much a compromise as it is a stagnation. There's the ability to decide but also refusal to make that choice.

The second card I received in this reading earlier this evening was the Five of Wands. This card is traditionally depicted as five people fighting (isn't that a band...anyway) and the card is about competition, struggle and frustration. There is just a sense of striving for something, but also that tension that comes with it. This makes sense when put into the context of me trying and striving for something but at the same time blocking myself (Two of Swords) and not even allowing myself to want something.  It's a very wacky way to go about things, but it's the way it is.

The final card I received was The Sun. This card shows a naked baby boy riding on a horse with the sun high in the sky. It's normally a very exuberant, happy card, but sitting next to the blocked Two of Swords and the stressful Five of Wands it seems really out of place.  Soooooo the question remains: what now? How do I get past this extreme hang-up that I apparently have? I decided to pose that question to the Artist's Inner Vision Tarot and I got:

The Wheel of Fortune from The Artist's Inner Vision Tarot

The good ole Wheel of Fortune. I have to move with the changes. If I don't allow change I'll stagnate. My luck will only change if I chose to roll with the punches and move forward, unhindered.

It sounds easy enough, but jeez. There is so much at stake. I am scared to death of something else going wrong. I know of plenty families who have doubled their stress by adding to their families, even in ideal conditions. Do I really want to do this? That is the ultimate question.

Magic Mentha

Six of Cups

Six of Cups

In the Past position
A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.

Meaning: Friendship. Play. Remembering past happiness and childlike innocence. Renewal. Nostalgia. Pleasant company. Reminiscing with old friends. Drawing strength from shared experiences. Being understood and appreciated. Teamwork. Taking pleasure in simple, wholesome activities and surroundings. Seeing the good in life.

Page of Swords

Page of Swords

In the Present position
A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.

Meaning: Secrets. Hidden matters. Need for caution. Plots. Sensing undercurrent of dangers afoot. Being privy to confidential matters. Being given inside information and warnings. Spies. A slippery adversary. Infected environment. A philosophy that sanctions unfair practices so long as serving one¹s purpose. Enquiring mind finds lies. Reason to be suspect.

Four of Cups

Four of Cups

In the Future position
A card in the right position indicates your questions future.

Meaning: Discontent and isolation. Feeling at a loss as to what can be done to improve a situation. Doubt. Melancholy. A disenchanting experience. Disgust. Can also indicate being fussy. Having to deal with naysayers. Not recognizing what one has. It is an encouraging card, indicating help that seems to be divine intervention ensuring one has all the cups one needs.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Tarot Fauxbergé: What Am I Doing with My Life Spread

What am I doing with my life? spread-click to enlarge
From the most excellent Tarot Bible by Sarah Bartlett, I chose the What am I doing with my life? spread. This amusingly all-encompassing yet pressing spread is somewhat like the celtic cross but a bit more specialized. I found it quite thought-provoking and simple to do.

I got this book several months ago, maybe this summer, last summer? I can't remember, but it's a year old, maybe less. To be honest I haven't looked at it lately. I was drawn to it initially then I put it away, to be forgotten for a while.

The cards I picked-click to enlarge
When I cleared out my tarot cabinet and organized it, I saw the almost-spanking new book with its still-crisp edges and looked in it. I realized I had underutilized the book. Now, I know that no one really NEEDS a tarot book, especially if you've been reading for a long time, but at the same time, everyone can benefit from new tarot perspectives.

This is a very nicely written book with meanings that are thoughtful and not too pat. It's perfect for beginners and advanced tarot students alike. I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle. I still have a lot to learn, especially about tarot history, which I know next to nothing about.

There are several others spreads I'd like to try in this book, but this is the one I am posting today. What makes this tarot book extra special for me currently is that this book uses images from the Universal tarot.  This is marvelous because I recently won the lovely and one-of-a-kind  Tarot Fauxbergé, created by Submerina, which is, at its bare bones, the Lo Scarebeo's Universal Tarot, adorned dazzlingly with sparkly, luminescent, glittery paints and polishes and housed in a bejeweled box and glimmering gold bag with rococo brooch. In a sense, I feel like this book was made to be read with the Tarot Fauxbergé and so I'm using it as such (when I feel like it, that is...)

On to the spread. Nevermind that the cards are falling off my tiny computer table.

Card #1: Me Now=10 of Cups. Well that's nice, no? I have the love and support of my family, even if I don't have great riches or prestige or any of that pentacle-y stuff.

Card #2: What I am afraid of=3 of Cups. Celebrating, togetherness, friendship. Now THAT is interesting. Actually that may be very true. I'm a bit gunshy friendship-wise because of past rejections, misunderstandings, conflicts and other issues. I'm also afraid of relaxing into fun and merriment, because part of me fears that I'm asking for trouble in doing so. I know...it's a tad neurotic, but it's one of those deeply-held fears that is hard to let go of sometimes.

Card #3: Past influence, beneficial=Two of Wands. Planning, preparing, figuring things out. Sure...I can see how that is beneficial, even when it's somewhat irritating when nothing is happening. Planning and prep has its place!

Card #4: Past influence, negative= Seven of Swords. Haha! This is great. Being sneaky, conniving, trying to get away with something, or otherwise trying to take a shortcut. Yeah, that can cause considerable issues. If it's not time to do something, it's not time. Being underhanded won't help.

Card #5: I promise myself this= Nine of Swords. Wow. Well, even though this may defy interpretation, what popped into my head was: I promise I'll confront and deal with my anxieties so they don't interfere with my life so much, make me lose sleep, question myself, and otherwise suffer needlessly.

Card #6: This will be the result= Eight of Wands. Progress! Movement forward. Instant gratification. Now, I really wanted more information on where this would lead me because to me the Eight of Wands can be a hard card to read by itself, and it kind of begs the question, 'leading me somewhere fast...but where?' So I pulled another card...

Card #7: Additional info for card #6=Six of Wands. Another wands card. More energy, forward momentum. This promises success, but again it doesn't tell me with what. For now, though, I'm content with that. I figure I am not going to push it by asking more questions.

Overall I really like this spread, even though it was a tad vague, but that may be because my question was not very pointed. I think this would be a great spread to use if you had something in mind, but it also works as a good overall spread, not unlike the celtic cross.

Magic Mentha

Hilarious Festive Mini Tree

Here's a pic of my daughter's marvelous, gaudy mini tree, standing approximately 1 foot high. It's decked out in mini baubles, sparkly glass candy canes, Tinkerbelle bell ornament, tiny deer, holiday ornament frames with my daughter's image on them, and a dazzling red star topper. The strange snowman mask (see upper left quadrant) is one I colored for my daughter. Abiding and presiding over this scene is the velvety soft gingerbread man whom we are calling 'Spicy.'

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Tarot in the Dark: Clear Your Clutter, Clear the Path

I was looking through the cards in this deck just before taking my aforementioned Epsom salt bath when I decided to go ahead and pull a single card.

This deck is not necessarily my favorite because it really is more of a tutorial than it is an oracle. Most of the cards are instructive in a very specific way toward intuition and not so much about practical things. If the suggestions ARE practical then usually it's geared more toward intuition and more esoteric things.

Today's pull was definitely the exception since this card talks about releasing old crappy stuff in preparation for something new to come in. It was highly appropriate for today because we FINALLY got around to organizing and taking two giant (HUGE) bins of stuff out of my daughter's room and into storage (later to be donated, probably) and organized and cleaned her room, did a ton of laundry, and other such tasks.

Clear it all out--your purse, your wallet, your car, your closet, your garage, your personal phone book and your desk. Higher energies are trying to move in, but they're blocked at the door!

Speaking of which, we really do need to finish organizing the garage and the storage space, but I'm glad to say we made a ton of progress on my daughter's room and a mountain of laundry.

Highly Recommended: Epsom Salt Baths

After the Bath, Renoir, 1888
Hi Folks,

I've been remiss in posting anything other than tarot readings (sorry!) lately, so I thought I'd just write an inane but true post. That would be this one!  So be prepared to be underwhelmed! *DRUMROLL*

I just got done taking an epsom salt bath and it really does relax me. I know that's a no-brainer, but there are many health benefits to epsom salts.  One main benefit is the absorption of magnesium, which many people are deficient in.  Just on a purely relaxing level, a hot bath is just wonderful. There are few things that can relax me more.

These baths are also recommended for my daughter by her DAN doctor, since magnesium is especially helpful for kids with neurological issues and various deficiencies. The magnesium has a relaxing effect that can be helpful before bedtime.

Magic Mentha

A Reading from the Other Day

Four of Swords, The Hermit (R), The Tower (right-tilted)

Here are a few cards I pulled using the Motherpeace deck a few nights ago. I forgot if I had a topic or not. This is just what came up. Just looking at this in a general sense I'd say it means that I need rest and time alone after a stressful time, which turned out to be true. I'm not entirely sure why the Hermit is reversed. Usually that would indicate someone coming out of hiding, or being more open, but it seems like the opposite meaning of the four of swords which is about rest and healing space. hm.

I'm still not entirely sure what happened, and the blood HCG said not pregnant, but either the miscarriage was so early that it wasn't even detectable, or something else is going on, or maybe I'll learn more in another week or two. I have no idea. Either way, I feel very sleepy and headachey. I've stopped bleeding, actually, and was never bleeding very heavily, so I am still feeling puzzled by the whole situation.

Regardless, considering that I still feel icky and under the weather, I think I may lay on the couch while my daughter watches some muppet Christmas show.

Magic Mentha

Friday, November 26, 2010

Tarot Nova: Getting My Husband's Support and My Gradual Recovery

Top Row: The Empress, King of Swords, 6 of Pentacles       Bottom Row: Strength, 10 of Pentacles

These are the cards I pulled a bit ago. Actually all of them were reversed except for the 6 of Pentacles, I think, but I decided just to read them upright, since that seems to be what I'm doing today.

The Empress again (surprise, surprise!) and the King of Swords is my husband's card. It amazes me that a fox shows up with him because that's his totem animal (an animal he loves and we sort of collect fox things.)  I saw the 6 of Pentacles as representing his love and generosity toward me when I feel icky. His support helps me recover so I can go back to being more involved and the main caretaker of our daughter. Right now I just feel really run down so I'm not as able to function.

I think Strength just shows a recovery of energy and strength, but I also find it interesting that if I DID miscarry, then the child would've been a leo. The approx due date was mid-August. I remember seeing this card several times lately.

The final card is the 10 of Pentacles, which is about family foundations, stability, security. I feel this just shows that I have the love and support of my family. There might be another meaning along with this, but I'm not quite sure what it is, so I'll stick with that one.

This is funny because I'm about to post a recap of how my appointment was and in the background on the TV is Richard Scarry's Busy Town which is describing a doctor's visit. Anyway...

I had my appointment at noon and everything went fine. I didn't learn as much as I would've liked, but that's OK. As I suspected, it's too early to tell whether I was pregnant or not, and if it was a very early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) then I may never know except for the weird, early period and strange symptoms (nausea, strange cramps, etc) that I've been experiencing.

They talked to me at length about my symptoms and said that they weren't concerned about ectopic because I shouldn't feel pain this early if it is an ectopic pregnancy, as ectopic pregnancy begins to hurt several weeks into pregnancy, once the embryo impinges on the fallopian tube or other area it shouldn't be in. She says that she wishes she could tell me for sure what was going on but that I may have to wait and see what happens. She ordered a blood HCG test to see if they could detect early pregnancy. I should hear the results tomorrow. I'm guessing it will be negative, but I'm not sure.

She did an exam and saw that the blood was indeed coming from my uterus (as opposed to my urethra, say, if I had a horrible urinary tract infection where blow was spewing out. ACK...laugh.) As far as I know, I don't have an infection, but I'm keeping an eye on how I feel and making sure that isn't the case. She said that if I don't stop bleeding within a week, to come back in and they'll give me progesterone to regulate my cycle.

I definitely still feel off. Nauseated, easily tired, slightly woozy, back achey. This is much odder than my usual period symptoms. In fact, I usually feel better when I have my period, as my PMS ends. I really hope I begin to feel better each day. I am not entirely sure, but I believe that I feel better than I did yesterday, although I'm very easily fatigued and I seem to feel the worst when I'm tired in the morning and evening.

Anyway. That's about it. Frankly I'll just be happy if nothing is really wrong. If it's just a fluke or a chemical pregnancy that's miscarrying, then that's fine. I am not exactly joyous about it, but my main concern is not having some sort of surgery or major infection. She didn't seem to think it was either one of those.

I found it interesting that the lady who did my exam remembered me from when I came in seven years ago! I didn't quite remember her, but she was very nice and I'm glad I had her today, as it made the visit much more pleasant, considering.

Magic Mentha

Tarot Nova: Winged Beasts, the Empress and Worrying About Surgery

Top row: Ace of Swords, Five of Pentacles. Bottom row: The Moon, The Empress, Knight of Swords

When I decided to do a pull late this morning I determined to only use upright cards so as not to skew the meaning towards the negative. Also, sometimes I just do that to shake things up. In truth, this deck really isn't overly negative when reversed. The reversed meanings are more varied and interesting than simply all negative, like many other decks.

The first card I pulled was The Empress. This is a card I've gotten a lot lately, and assuming that I actually am pregnant and miscarrying, then that would make sense. The Knight of Swords flies in on his bird with sword in hand. It seems a bit vicious and attack-like, almost like he's there to lop the flowers off the Empress. The owl in The Moon flies in from the other direction, doing who knows what. Not sure if it's a friend or a foe. The Moon often represents things being unclear, some mystery, but also I've read it to mean to trust in what you don't know and let everything that you do know, intuitively, light your way.

I wanted some clarification on these three cards so I pulled two more cards and placed them on top. I got the Ace of Swords which is sort of funny as a clarification card since its meaning is, essentially, 'clarity' and then I was brought back to the sword in the Knight of Swords. The Knight of Swords would indicate some sort of swift information reaching someone. An idea or message.

Perhaps the Ace of Swords does simply mean getting clarity, but it made me worry about the sharp/scalpel interpretation, where it is used as a cutting implement and not to represent information. When I saw the Five of Pentacles I immediately recognized it as my anxiety about my health. This card is often depicted as a couple really shabby looking beggar types outside of a church on a snowy night, and means hard times, but in reality, I think that this card often refers more to stress over physical issues rather than the issues themselves, but it can certainly mean that.

This time, though, it's the dragon of my fears, conjuring up every possible thing that could go wrong and figuring out which of these worst case scenarios will happen. I need to quiet the beast as much as possible and not worry that something crazy is happening (like an ectopic pregnancy where I need surgery and may lose a fallopian tube, etc) or cancer, or fibroids, or some other unforeseen problem. I just need to let it go until I can get clarity, which should be fairly soon (I hope?) since I have an appointment in about an hour at a local clinic.

Magic Mentha

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Tarot Nova from Yesterday: Thanksgiving Miscarriage?

The Empress (R) and The Emperor
Yesterday I pulled these cards (see left) and even though I said that I wasn't sure what they meant right off the bat the term 'miscarriage' popped into my head. I pushed it aside because it seemed a kind of extreme interpretation, but yesterday, around the same time of this pull, I began to bleed a little bit.

My period is not due for another week and a half. I never have spotting or bleeding between periods. I can't think of a single instance since the early days of my period. If anything, my period is more likely to be late because I have a long cycle.

This morning I woke up and went to the bathroom and more blood and what looked like possible clotting came out, but there was still only spotting that didn't require much more than a liner.

I did some research and saw that if the bleeding was fairly light then it could possibly be implantation bleeding, which typically occurs about a week before menstruation is supposed to start. But I'd been having more bleeding than I thought was appropriate for this and felt quite off on top of it, with some pains in my back and shoulder. I worried because shoulder pain can be a sign of ectopic pregnancy, where the fetus grows inside a fallopian tube or outside the uterus somewhere, causing death if left undetected for too long, and often surgery is required to cut away the fetus from the fallopian tube and can be a bit risky.

I began to panic a bit because nothing is open today hospital-wise. The ER is the only thing open and we can't afford to go there. I told myself today that if I began having sharp pains in my abdomen or otherwise felt worse then I would go, but not before. I talked to a nurse hotline that said that she thought I would be OK as long as the bleeding didn't get extremely heavy and wasn't accompanied by stabbing pains.

So far I've only had fairly mild cramping and the bleeding is not too severe. Regardless of what happens I'm going in tomorrow because I don't feel that this is normal.  This is not what I had in mind for a Thanksgiving break with my husband. I am worried and don't feel well and I'm not entirely sure what is happening...but hopefully, I'll be thankful if it's just a run of the mill miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy.

Magic Mentha

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Tarot Nova: Reversed Empress, Upright Emperor

What do you think it means?

Creativity and Christmas

Homemade beeswax ornaments, 2009

I was going to type 'creativity and the holidays' but it didn't work as well for me.

A homemade shark ornament I fondly dubbed, 'Disco Shark'
There's something about the holidays that make me really want to go into DIY mode. Whether or not I actually DO is another thing, but I always want to do things like make my own beeswax ornaments (see picture above) or ridiculous paper ornaments (see right) made out of leftover reference images from making my hand-painted jewelry.

I also love to bake, and I did so some last year, despite the shifting landscape of my daughter's food restrictions and ideas I had to help my daughter's seizures (including but not limited to the Ketogenic diet, GF/CF, and other things.)

Gluten and casein-free beef and vegetable pot pie
She's still on the gluten-free, casein-free, and I may expand that to include soy, eggs, tomatoes and possibly a few other things. Those are the things which I have identified as being possible issues. We're doing a food allergy panel sometime in the next month or so. It's not easy cooking or eating around food allergies, and temptation is everywhere, but if it truly does make a difference to her digestion, mood, sleep and other things, then I want to do it.

I'm not sure what, if anything, I'll do this year. I'm feeling markedly less creative and crafty this year. I would like to do SOMETHING because I KNOW that I need an outlet, but I'm so far into my creative ennui that I'm not so sure I can pull myself out of it in time for the holi-daze. I'm not quite sure what I want to focus on to be honest. Trying to relax is a big priority, because I really thought I'd be a heck of a lot more relaxed by this time. It's been more than a year since this fiasco began and I still can't quite seem to get there in terms of learning to relax.

Erupting volcano ornament, Color Wonder paper
I feel myself slipping back into high stress mode, and right now I'm trying to pull myself away from that and focus on something else, but as I mentioned, I'm having a very hard time figuring out what else to focus on.

I'm definitely having to funnel most of my energy into taking care of my daughter, which for today included constant requests for food even though she won't eat much of it, a bout of explosive diarrhea which trailed from her bedroom to the living room, and her pulling on the curtains (because it amuses her, she doesn't realize it bothers me, even though I tell her) to the point where the screws are coming out of the wall.

We have several rooms with patched walls because of her need for some sort of pulling sensory input on her arms. I think I need to find a way to install a hanging bar like my parents had in the ranch house in front my sister's room. The only problem is that my daughter is much shorter than that and wouldn't be able to use a hanging bar in a doorway.

I feel a bit panicked to be honest. I keep hoping that my daughter will develop more normally because in many ways she is quite normal, despite the seizures and minor cognitive delays and behavioral issues, but it's a huge mystery that we're having to unravel day by day, and I find my faith in life dwindling even though I feel dedicated to her cause at the same time. I am finding it hard not to feel worn down almost all of the time. It's not just a physical tiredness, but an intense emotional drain that I'm having trouble filling. I know there's a deficit and I don't know how to fix it. Warm soothing baths and reading and going out by myself have not helped enough. They've only staved off complete melt-down but have not made me feel relaxed.

Quirky tree topper with descending funnels
For now I just have to stay the course and see if something comes up that I think will help. I still don't quite know what that is. Having another child, though somewhat tempting, would certainly not be a relaxing addition. It would present challenge. It may also give me joy on another level, but I'm not quite sure if maybe the bad tarot reader wasn't correct about me needing just to chill out before doing anything else.

I still maintain that she was very wrong in saying that I could have another child with 'special needs' (hate that term) but when I think about how I've been feeling lately, this growing desperation and realization of the burden I'm carrying, mostly alone, I know that I probably shouldn't push it.

My Christmas wish is that my daughter's issues can greatly improve to the point where I feel more secure in my life and my ability to deal with what happens. Right now I feel like on most days like I am hanging on by a thread, wondering how many days in a row I can take of things being so tiring and chaotic. I can keep moving forward if I know that there is a hope that things will change for the better. It's what I live for.

Magic Mentha

Tarot Nova: Mysterious Heartburn and Back Pain

What is hindering: Emperor and 7 of Wands (R)                What is helping: Knight of Cups and Empress

Now, it seems hypocritical to do a post about a medical thing after yesterday's post, but it doesn't count when it is about yourself. It's all speculation anyway.  I have been having pain in my back, side, left shoulder and chest--all on my left side. It is worrying me a bit but I'm trying very hard not to launch into hypochondria mode.

I've already been troubleshooting some ideas as to what it could be, but I'm not quite sure. The pains seem to be coinciding largely with my taking vitamins again. This summer I had a few things tested via blood draw and my Vitamins D and B were both on the low end of normal. It's a huge range so I wanted to bring them back up, since a deficiency, even a slight deficiency, in these vitamins can cause a lot of sleep and mood issues.

I am very sensitive to medications, supplements...any types of pills. I have a very sensitive digestive system, and I don't have a gallbladder anymore which I know contributes to difficulty digesting things (but mostly fatty things.) Anyway...I'm not sure how to approach this. I don't want to stop taking my vitamins but I may try to find a liquid multi.  I am realizing that I was taking a B-complex plus liquid D3 in the morning, plus two whole food pre-natals (just in case) and then 4 more pre-natals (6 total throughout the day, to break up the number of nutrients.) This is an annoying way to do things but by splitting the dose into three 2 pill doses, you get a better absorption of the vitamins and it also allows the supplement to have a full 1,000 of calcium. On top of this, I'm taking some liquid probiotics and a couple DHA (omega 3) pills.

The only problem is...I feel like crap. I have absolutely no appetite and I wake up at night with heartburn, back pain and stomach ache. Just now I choked down three bites of rice with lima beans, chicken and garlic. I just can't eat. The past few days, especially, I've just had to force myself to eat anything. And I'm 99% sure that this doesn't mean that I'm actually pregnant, but it means that I'm taking too many vitamins on a mostly-empty stomach (because I can't seem to get any food down.)

So it's a catch-22. If I want to get pregnant (which is still sort of up in the air, but you have to take the supplements beforehand and not after you get pregnant since you do need to get the nutrients in there immediately since the baby grows quickly, especially the first few weeks) then I have to take the vitamins. If I stop and find out I'm pregnant I would feel horrible, especially considering the fears I have about a new baby having medical issues like my daughter does.

I also kinda feel like I've pulled something in my back/shoulder, which MAY, in fact, be radiating pain down my left side/chest. I have recurring issues with sciatica, and my shoulder has felt a bit out of whack over the past few months, so it could be that the heartburn is combining with the pulled/out of joint shoulder pain. I don't quite know. I may go to my chiropractor sometime soon if I can afford to. I really can't but I may have to because I can't seem to sleep or eat very well.

O.K. WELL. That was the set-up. The reading itself about this topic is four cards. Two of the cards relate to why I'm feeling this way. The other two are what could help. I am not quite sure what to make of the cards I got, but I think they're interest, for sure. In the 'what is hindering' category, I got The Emperor and the seven of wands (reversed.) The seven of wands (r) I got just yesterday. It referred to a feeling of powerlessness. Then again I don't know quite what to make of this. So it's claiming that indecisiveness is causing me painful heartburn, stomach ache, back and shoulder ache. Interesting. Well, if that's true then I'll be pickled. But whatever the reason, I need to figure it out because it's screwing up my quality of life.

In the 'what would help' category we have the Knight of Cups and The Empress. I found this an interesting contrast to the 'what is hindering' duo. It's like these two sets of cards represent yin and yang. What's causing me pain is too much inappropriate or blocked male energy (Emperor and 7 of Wands) and what would help is the gentle advances of the Knight of Cups and the Empress.

When I read this line I kind of smiled because the Knight of Cups has come to give me a break:

"A break from responsibility soon arrives. Let others pamper you. Do something nice for yourself."

Hrm...interesting. Well, it's true that tomorrow is Thanksgiving day and my husband will be home for four days. This IS a relief for me, since normally I slog through here alone with my daughter and I never really feel rested. So it could be that the two cards are read together: a break from responsibility (knight of cups) as a mother (Empress.)  I don't know if the pain in my body is more stress-related than anything, but regardless of its source, relaxation and help can only benefit.

Magic Mentha

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ace of Wands Confirmation from Crystal Clear Reflections Site

Even though I pretty much decided I was finished with tarot for the day (one can only do so much without getting overly saturated with it and it losing all meaning) I decided to pull a single card from the Crystal Clear Reflections Daily Tarot draw.

I got the Ace of Wands, which made me think of today's reading with the Tarot Nova.  The conception of something new (not necessarily a baby, but that's one option) with that creative spark. The following is a quote from the card, but feel free to click on the link attached to the card's name to read the entire description. Learn Tarot's description is also helpful in a bulleted, easy-to-quickly-understand kinda way.

Ace of Wands - You are an enlightened being - KNOW it! Live your life to it's fullest. KNOW what gives you energy and vitality and be passionate. Change and expand - see beyond the superficial, material reality. New activities are starting in your business and social affairs - the seed is within your heart.
You will experience spiritual self-realization - awakening. You have been given the spirit to begin, the desire to want your ideas to grow and prosper, the first impulse and passionate will to begin a new job, a new way of life or a change in your career. Listen and trust your "Inner" Self now - do not rely on the advice of others.

This Week: Tiny Tarot Nova

The basic layout from the Tarot Nova book

I pulled out this diminutive beauty this morning and I played with it for a while. I am always amused and surprised by the meanings of these cards, both reversed and upright. I really admire a deck's book that can come up with really interesting, unique meanings for reversals that aren't just some generic opposite or blocked energy of the upright version. Sometimes it's not that simple.

Yes, I do know the card's basic meanings without a book, but for some decks, I really like to use the book, or take key words or quotes from it, to give me something to reference, or just a new perspective on a card. By doing this I've learned a lot of things about the various meanings of cards that I may not have if I had just stuck to the traditional descriptions. As always, using your intuition about meanings is of paramount importance, too. But I also find cross-referencing meanings, compiling them to be very helpful as well. It just depends on your preference.

Case in point. This four (actually five, as two cards came out together) card spread which is mentioned in the book is simple to understand but almost ALL of the cards came up reversed. Now, if it wasn't for the fact that this deck has really interesting reversals, I may opt to just skip the reversed position and just read them upright, but since I know that I'll glean some interesting themes and insights from the book with the reversals, I went ahead and used them.

This deck doesn't necessarily photograph well because of the jagged edges and ultra-flimsy cardstock but I kinda like it. I like that it's sort of dinky. It's a really cheap set but it's so chock-full of interest that I really don't care. If it wears out I'll find another one for less than $10, if need be. I put all 78 cards in a tiny sheer, forest green organza drawstring bag and shake it vigorously before digging in to select the appropriate number of cards. I feel like I'm getting a prize.

When I picked up the bag and shook it, the 3 of Cups (reversed) flew out, and I set it down. It is part of the reading but I didn't set it out with the other cards. A quote:
 Don't let disappointments get in the way of your happiness. Beware of overindulgence and depression. Jealousy clouds reason. 

The same card jumping action happened with the card at the top of the spread representing the current issue. The Prince of Swords did come out, and he and the Ace of Wands were the ONLY upright cards in the spread. The Prince of Swords the card I've identified to represent the mysterious baby boy which may or may not come into the world sometime soon.

So in position A (what's at hand, or what you're asking about), we have the Prince of Swords and Ace of Wands, which makes me think of a new thing. Something new coming into the world. Makes sense. If I'm thinking about having a baby (despite the people trying to discourage me) then this would be an appropriate duo to represent that. 

In position B we have the 4 of Pentacles (R) and oddly, this card tells me that though there are demands on my security but that I need to meet opposition and challenge head on.

In position C, representing what I need to ponder, we have The Devil (R) and as soon as I read the description I was surprised at how similar it was to the 3 of Cups reversed...saying not to let past problems cloud current progress.

Things are unclear for you now. Don't let yourself be intimidated and don't judge others too harshly.  Others seem uptight, set in their ways. Are you?  Don't let past issues cloud today's progress.
 In the final position, D, we have the reversed 7 of Wands. Usually this card represents a NEED to stand up for yourself. In the reversed position it made me think of an inability to do so right now, perhaps due to not understanding everything or feeling confused. The meaning of the card actually is very similar to what I was thinking, as it turns out:
Don't be indecisive. Say what you feel and move on. Situations are nowhere near resolution, so be patient. 

All in all the reading was interesting. There is still some lack of clarity in it but it seems to say to be patient with what's going on and not get too dragged down in the uncertainty and other people's opinions of what I should or shouldn't do. Then again there are some strange mixed messages about not being indecisive or negative, but to be patient and realize there's much work to do. Hehe...

Magic Mentha

A Nice Piece of Advice from the Morgan Tarot

In the realm of constant concern about how to survive, it's nice to know the methods, but being in that realm is often the result of directing enormous amounts of energy toward believing you are there.

Overwhelming anxiety about being stuck tends to perpetuate the situation.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Irresponsible Tarot Readers Doling Out Medical Advice and a Reading

Beware of seers who think they know all...
Yesterday I received a reading from an intuitive tarot reader and even though the price was good and she seemed like a genuinely nice person and seemed to have been reading a long time, I was struck by something which I believe (and many other readers believe) is a big no-no for tarot.

I spoke to her about medical issues (with my daughter) briefly and she pulled cards, stating that there was a strong possibility that if I had another child now it would be a special needs child (!!) and then she went on to say that if I waited just a few more months (up to a year) then the child wouldn't be.

Now something just doesn't feel quite right about that. EVEN if that is true, this is an incredibly irresponsible way to approach a reading. There is a high chance that she is wrong (for better or worse) and furthermore it plays upon the delicate emotions of those seeking outside guidance.

It is one thing to (gently) convey things that may be amiss, but medical advice...no. It is a big no-no. I was surprised that someone who had been reading as long as she had would do such a thing. And this is not an isolated incident. Earlier this year I did a reading, and I spoke with them briefly (again) and they said that if I had another child it WOULDN'T have the issues and some other inane sounding (generic) response about my daughter's health issues.

I really think that it's deplorable to do this. It's ok to say, 'it could mean this or that' but to come out and say, 'You're going to have another child with special needs.' or 'your mom is dying'...is just plain cruel. Especially after they already know about the situation, and are grasping to make a connection.

I simply wanted to mention this because the two readers who did this did not seem malicious or even phony. They just seemed flippant. And I honestly don't feel like they really knew what they were saying. It is more like they were just trying to tell me something that 'sounded' reasonable, but it wasn't...and these kinds of comments can be highly damaging.

Because of this, I am planning on avoiding purchasing readings in the future. For one thing, I can't really afford to get them anymore, no matter how hard I may find it to read for myself, and no matter how confused I may be. This article is a good how-to for avoiding bad tarot advice and readings.

In fact, I'll be honest, these negative reading experiences have shattered my faith in tarot reading and divination in general. I think I've had one too many bad experiences...I feel like I should either keep my own counsel or I should approach things differently.

Despite my shaken faith in the tarot, I did a Morgan Tarot reading on-line about this, and the first card in a three-card spread was 'Ignore the preceding' with a picture of a tarot reading on it!! How specific! It made me feel better. It's basically about free will:
Forget the past. Cause and effect relationships are not necessarily universal. If we were responsible for every change we would have no choices.
The other two cards were 'Await Further Orders' and 'I Come from a Different Planet' which just sort of made me laugh.  The Await Further Orders obviously makes me think that I don't have the correct information yet and it's saying to wait up. The I Come from a Different Planet just confuses me but I find that it underscores the absurdity of someone else deciding my fate.

Although the message is torn, more data is coming, and it will clarify what your next move should be. However, you may have hooked into a superficial guidance system that is not really relevant to your basic being.

Interestingly, the I Come from a Different Planet card talks about feeling alienated. I definitely felt that way yesterday when I got that reading. While initially I felt somewhat grateful for the reading, afterward I began to think of how horrible it was on another level. I realized that I had given my power and fate away to someone else.

Psychologically, this card might express the individual's feeling of alienation or separation from the environment.

Even so, I feel even more uneasy about things than when I started, and I am trying to figure out how to come to terms with that. I know myself, and I know that I am too easily knocked off balance by people's opinion of me or advice to me.

It would be better to try as hard as I can to separate myself from the views of anyone else and see what I really feel about things. It's really a lot easier said than done. I often find myself pulled in many directions. But I appreciate the reading with the Morgan Tarot. Amusingly, the Morgan Tarot, with its psychedelic, often hard-to-interpret messages, was easier for me to understand than any standard deck today. Go figure!

Magic Mentha

Sunday, November 21, 2010

A Reading About a Reading

8 of Cups from The Artist's Inner Vision Tarot
I went to Denver today and got a tarot reading while my husband and daughter played at a nearby indoor kid's play area (almost like an indoor carnival with rides and games.)

I've been feeling out-of-sorts about things, more so than usual lately. Lots of things are coming to light but everything is still kinda murky.

I got a reading which basically said I should put off making any major decisions right now because:

a.) There's a lot of unsettled stuff going on that will make decisions difficult.

b.) I'm pretty burnt out energy-wise and it would be a strain on me to add some big committment.

c.) Financially we're also under strain and that would make a major choice/decision harder.

Anyway, I won't go into all the particulars, but for now I have temporarily abandoned the idea of a second child, though I know that it isn't gone for good. I feel like it will be something that I'll be thinking of again, perhaps in less than a year. For now, I feel like I can't quite decide what to do. I still feel uncomfortable about the prospect, even as part of me really wants it.

I'm not fond of ambivalence, but to me, ambivalence is a sign that things are not settled enough to make a good decision. When a feeling and knowledge of what to do dominates it pulls you forward, almost of its own accord. I'm not quite there, though.

There is a good deal of fear behind this, too, as I don't know what components caused my daughter's issues and whether I can prevent them. If I can, I should. But this prevention takes expensive detective work, testing, which is something we can't do just yet.

So this is sort of a bittersweet post because I feel like I'm being held back. There are things I don't quite understand yet and it's an uncomfortable place to be, but for now I'll let it go.

I pulled a single card describing today's reading (thankfully the reading was cheap...$20) which was the 8 of Cups. The 8 of Cups is about letting go of things, usually with some amount of sorrow, but with knowing you have to release things at times.

Then I pulled three Tarot Fauxbergé cards and I got the 8 of Cups as the center card.

Ace of Swords, 8 of Cups, Wheel of Fortune

Actually, the order I pulled these in was Wheel of Fortune, 8 of Cups and Ace of Swords.
This made me think that a shift/change, leaving some concept behind would lead me to greater clarity, since this Ace is about fresh thought and clear thinking.

I felt a bit disappointed after today's reading. She said that I am still under a great deal of stress and that taking it easy (4 of Swords came up) might be the best idea right now, so as to prevent greater imbalance and pressure on me. She said that if I wait just a little while (at least until this coming summer) to move forward in any major endeavor, then I would be in a better position (physically, emotionally, etc) but that right now I needed to rest before the next big push/challenge.

I was not too keen on that whole challenge thing, but she said that the challenge that was coming dealt more with matters of money and security than anything really emotionally scary. I hope it isn't anything too stressful. I feel like we've been through so much recently as it is. I will just try to appreciate the relative calm that is happening now. Relative being the operative word...

Magic Mentha

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Facing My Pregnancy Fears

Nine of Swords from The Artist's Inner Vision Tarot
You are being too hard on yourself, too idealistic. Over-working, thinking too much. The mind and its store of information can be either a prison or what liberates us from prison.

I've been feeling very insecure lately. This has worsened ever since my decision to have a second child in the not-too-distant future. All of the sudden, I find myself feeling wildly ambivalent about the prospect. On the one hand, I feel a deep, intuitive pull to have another child, and on the other hand...I feel absolutely terrified of it. And I'm not even afraid of the adjustment period where I have to learn how to juggle multiple kids. Well, let me rephrase that...that is not what is bothering me.

I'm seriously not trying to be emo about this. What I want more than anything is to be HAPPY about it, but there's this core of fear deep within me that I'm having a very hard time shaking. I know that this fear stems from my daughter having health issues. I have a very deep-rooted fear that something is wrong with me, so wrong that it means that any child that I have will have some serious illness. I know that certain people (either genetically or by health, etc) are more prone to having kids with certain issues...am I one of them? Well, I can find out...for a fee.

The integrative practice which is helping my daughter has a pre-pregnancy screening program, that runs a myriad of tests (not unlike the tests my daughter has undergone) which cost hundreds of dollars. On top of that, the initial assessment (basically just going over my health history) costs $250. Each subsequent visit costs another $125. So basically I'm looking at close to a thousand dollars, for someone to look at my health history, blood work, etc, to see if I'm fit for motherhood. And if I'm not (for various reasons) they'll try to help me fix what is wrong, either through diet, intensive supplementation, or other means.   Of course, I don't have the money for this anyway, but after Christmas, we might be able to do it, but even then we'd be taking money away from things that need it, such as household things that are breaking down and my daughter's health bills.

Considering my daughter's seizures (which apparently are caused by an innate or genetic deficiency of certain B vitamins) I feel like I have an obligation to get screened, but at the same time...I feel skeptical and resentful of the process. Why should I, a person who bothers to eat organic, did all the things she was supposed to during her pregnancy, be subjected to an expensive screening process when millions of women around the world approach pregnancy as if it were a free-for-all for eating nothing but junk. I've even seen pregnant women smoking for crying out loud.

Every part of me wants to cry out, 'it isn't fair! There is nothing wrong with me!' But there's a nagging voice of doubt in my head saying that maybe something is off, something that I could fix. Then there's another voice saying that even if I get screened, tweak some things, etc, then I might still have a child with genetic issues. It is not something I can be guaranteed.

I wish I knew anything for sure. I wish I could go one way or the other with it. If I could say, definitively, 'I shouldn't have more children.' or 'I will get the testing done.' or 'Screw this, I am going to keep my own counsel and pay attention to my own health and nutrition.' but I can't seem to get there. I wish that I didn't want another child. I wish that I was yearning for something less risky. I wish that I could actually keep on the way I've been going and be happy with it. I wish my venture, HH, had been more successful so maybe it would've distracted me from the thought of having another child.

I know that this sounds a bit crazy. I just need to get these thoughts out here because I am not 100% sure who to talk to about this, besides my husband, that is. It's not that no one would understand...it's just that I don't quite know what I'm doing. I feel like I just want to come to a decision and stick with it, but it's been harder than I thought.

Anyway...I pulled a single card before typing all this up, regarding this, and received the 9 of Swords (reversed) and I included a quote from the Crystal Clear Reflections description (see the top of the page.) Again, I can't recommend the Crystal Clear Reflections page highly enough!

When looking up information on the reversed 9 of Swords, I found this post from Tarot Healing, which I thought was very helpful. It is more about releasing the fear and negativity/nightmarishness that is normally associated with the 9 of Swords and shows a certain distance from the mind and ability to redirect thoughts. It mentions EFT, but any mindfulness practice could be useful to release demons.

I know that my task is to find a way to feel less fearful and powerless about this decision. I need to find a way to accept help or ideas from others on how to have a healthy pregnancy without handing over all my power and money to someone in order to make the decision.

Magic Mentha

Friday, November 19, 2010

Legacy of the Divine Tarot: Collapsing in a Heap

Page of Wands, 4 of Swords, Temperance

Today was quite a day. You can read about it here, so I don't have to repeat it, as I'm very tired and have a headache. But the recap is, we found out my daughter has vitamin b6 and b12 deficiency seizures (and a few other imbalances and allergies, possibly) but no gut flora or leaky gut issues. I'm glad on the latter part, and the former part may very well be a good thing, because I'd rather she take a (high dose) of vitamin b than seizure meds!

I still don't have all of the information about what's going on with her (we're following up with the doc for that within the next week) but I have to say it has been a strange, strange day.

I decided to do a pull about my daughter. I haven't read with the tarot much today (at all, actually, I've been out all day) and so I decided to pull a few cards about what happened today. I got the Page of Wands (my daughter's card!) and the 4 of Swords (meaning respite, rest, a break in a difficult situation, though not necessarily the FINAL battle, but a break, and sleep), and Temperance.

For some reason seeing these cards, despite the fact that they're not even the most positive cards in the deck, made me tear up. I had this sense of relief. That is how the cards felt to me. The man can finally sleep. This made me wonder that maybe my daughter's sleep will finally be fixed, as will her other issues, with care and time, and with the correct knowledge of what to do.

The angel of temperance offers balance and peace. And although Temperance can come across as a bit of a bore (yawn) when you see her, her presence filled me with relief and peace. After so much turmoil and fear for your child's life, seeing a card about balance and care isn't such a bad thing.

I found it interesting that the two cards (that aren't my daughter's card) are both filled with a mellow light that's coming through a round stained-glass window. There's this feeling of sanctuary to it.

I know that nothing else matters to me more than what happens with my daughter.

Magic Mentha

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Potential for Radiant Health

Something funny: the 'o' in coins is missing because I didn't select it in Photoshop. Kind of funny cut-out effect.

After I did that big ole celtic cross spread last night, I decided to pull just a couple cards specifically about my daughter and received the Page of Wands (my daughter's card) and the Queen of Pentacles. This made me think of a few things.

First of all, it made me think of health-related matters, as this particular queen would definitely rule physical realities, as she's the queen of earth, and also, this queen reminds me of lush, healthy things. She's often depicted around lots of greenery, with animals (namely a rabbit) surrounding her.

Most amazingly, I was flipping through the deck that same evening, looking at the cards when I saw the glowing light coming from the Queen of Coins. I said to myself, 'I feel like this card represents radiant health' so when, less than 20 minutes later, I pulled this card next to my daughter's card, I felt encouraged. I knew this referred to the potential improvements I could see with her biomedical treatments.

We've already seen preliminary improvements from her GF/CF diet and supplement protocol, and a recent reduction of carbs. When we move onto anti-fungals and more specific nutrients, treating her leaky gut, and other issues, then things will begin to progress, and she will be even more radiant.

Magic Mentha

Legacy of the Divine Tarot: My Daughter's Health Stuff and More

Celtic cross spread, click to enlarge (excuse the hasty Photoshopping)

Last night, I did a celtic cross layout regarding the various issues going on right now which include my daughter's health, my own health, possibly trying to have another child, etc. I find that even though the celtic can be rather rigid, it's still one of the most useful spreads I've ever used. I'll just outline each position as I read it. Keep in mind that there are different versions of the celtic cross meaning-wise, so this is just one possible way to interpret it:

You: (the central issue or person in this moment) Queen of Wands-It's me! This is my card.

Influencing: (a major current issue or influence, this can be positive or negative, or neutral) 9 of Wands. This is the 'holding out until the battle is won' card; the figure is especially dramatic in this deck, leaning over his staff in exhaustion. He knows he must continue though, so it's not a defeat or possibly-losing-out card like the 5 of Swords. 

Obstacle: (a hiccup, problem or other opposing influence) Page of Wands. Hah! It's my daughter. True, she is very stubborn and likely that will make this very strict candida diet+other treatments quite challenging, but I must persist.

Foundation: (a critical element, foundation, underlying influence of the entire question) King of Pentacles. I've come to see the King of Pentacles (especially this one!) as representing the holistic/integrative doctors we're working with. For one thing, it kind of looks like a combination of the two male doctors we have, and also there's something earthy and green and healthy-looking about this doctor. Whenever I see it, that is immediately what I think. This is odd because traditionally I would've assumed money, but the pentacles are well known as also representing health issues which is what I asked about. 

Recent Past: (This is pretty self explanatory, a recent event, something that just happened that is influencing your question) Two of Pentacles. This is interesting. I have received this card several times lately and I'm not 100% sure what it means. It means the juggling of any two (or more) things. In the Motherpeace, for instance, it shows a woman carrying two infants. This may simply represent my desire to have a second child, as two is a number about balance (and since that would be the number of children I would have.) 

Present/Crowning: (This position I've read describes what is important in the present which influences the future) 9 of Cups. In most decks, I see this as the 'wish granted' card, but in this deck, it's so food-specific, with all the fruit spilling out everywhere that I think of health-related matters. And because it's particularly fruit (believe it or not) I think it recommends cutting back on fruit and carbs, which is exactly one of the things I'd need to do in order to rid myself and my daughter of candida (and also leaning toward protein and vegetables instead.) 

Near Future: (something will will come into play very soon) 9 of Pentacles. Nice...well, this is a generally pleasant card. This talks about holding one's one in the physical realm: health, wealth, and other things are indicated with this card, but with an emphasis on personal, self-directed effort (since it's the 9 which corresponds to major arcana 9, The Hermit. This health-related victory will only happen if I put in the personal effort. This is more true than other things (for instance, if you want a job, you may need to wait for someone else to act, as well.) In my case, however, all of the effort will have to come from me. 

Self: (This is the card I think of as what I need to do, how to present myself. It's like card 1, except more dynamic) The Tower. Well, you can't get more dramatic than that! I have to dramatically shift my priorities, break down the false foundations that have built up my health for years in order to make this a successful thing. 

My Environment/Others: (this shows influences coming from outside of me) Justice. Hrm that's interesting. I really don't see this as bad or good. It's very Libran, of course, about balance and diplomacy. People are probably trying to be diplomatic with me, attempting to provide balance, because of the extreme nature of what we've been through lately and how challenging it is. Perhaps this could be seen as a calming or tempering force. Thankfully there are no law suits or anything, so it isn't that...

Hopes/Fears: (fears and hopes. It sounds contradictory, but both are projections, both have less to do with reality, more to do with what we think we want, or what we fear.) The Hanged Man. I am afraid of having to wait, wait, to be strung upside-down and backwards, dealing with these things forever. That is definitely true. I feel like ever since my daughter was born we've been slogging through, trying to be good parents, and trying to figure out things to help her, but progress is slow. I am definitely afraid that this will continue unabated, but there is reason to hope that it won't be that way...

Outcome: (The outcome. It's not an ULTIMATE outcome, but simply one main outcome. Life is constantly changing so the concept of an outcome is kind of funny, but this just shows one eventuality) The Empress. I think this shows two things. First of all, it shows pregnancy. Secondly, it shows my role as a mother in general, but since it is an outcome card, I think it refers more to literal pregnancy. This deck is a very sensual, open representation of pregnancy, with just a gauzy fabric covering the pregnant woman's belly. Most decks show the woman clothed head to toe and rather demure.  This is a very pretty Empress card, which I think more accurately shows the beauty and sensuality of motherhood.


Something I noticed about this spread is that the first several cards were minor arcana cards (indicating temporary or minor events) and the last four cards in the final positions were all major arcana (showing larger and more permanent themes) so this made me feel like things were becoming stronger rather than the other way around (things starting out strong then crumbling.)

The Tower does show up but in a strange position--as something I should DO, or how to act, which is sort of funny, but the most powerful changes arise from an internal place. Even though the Tower most often represents external events irrevocably crumbling some aspect of our lives, I feel like this placement shows that I'm well aware of what is going on and that I'm being more proactive about the destruction. So it still won't be easy, but at least I realize what is going on.

Magic Mentha

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Pregnancy Continuum

I don't know why exactly (well, maybe I do) but this three card spread made me laugh.

I didn't really ask anything, just wanted to see what would come up. Of course the whole sex/pregnancy thing came up again, even though it's technically on hold.

The Knight of Pentacles may serve multiple functions, here. He may represent the presentation of a physical reality/health thing. This may refer to my decision to be screened for issues (candida, immune function, other things) that might impact a future child health-wise and should be dealt with now, or it may represent a slower pace, or he may simply represent an offer of some sort in these areas.

The Ace of Wands...well, hah! Obviously this makes me think of the seed of some new venture beginning (in a vague) sense but everyone that sees this card can't help seeing it as a penis. I remember showing the Ace of Wands image to someone who doesn't read tarot and she was shocked at how much it looked like a penis. Adding amusement to this is that the penis/wand is being gripped firmly by a giant hand.

Following this mega-penis is, of course, the Empress. You play with a penis? You make babies! Well, not always, but you know what I mean. The Empress is the mother. She's almost always depicted as pregnant and although by herself she would not necessarily indicate pregnancy, along with the Ace of Wands (or other fertility cards) it points more in that direction. And since I have absolutely no creative projects in the works due to my focusing on my daughter's treatment, I know it isn't about that.

I find it strange that this is coming up again after I consciously decided to wait. The Knight of Pentacles, again, COULD refer to waiting, as he is a slow fellow, but I won't know for sure what this means until a bit of time has passed.  If you prefer, you could see the pentacle held by the Knight as the egg, the wand as the sperm/penis/male aspect, and the Empress as the result. So it could be a 1+1=2 kind of thing.

Magic Mentha