Four of CupsI definitely don't feel all that excited about it. I have tried to get into the process and really enjoy it but I feel like my enthusiasm is just not there. I try to drum up interesting (mostly within myself!) by posting images of things I'm making but something is just missing.
Easily described in the word apathy. An unmistakable detachment from something that once held personal value, be it person, place, or thing. Boredom might possibly be somewhere at the heart of this representation, but it is not due to something that could, should, and even once, held great interest within one no longer present in one’s life.
Something about the 4 of Cups is more active and vital than the usual 4 of Cups, no? But yes...there's this sense of both boredom and outright frustration with this card...and that is me. No matter what I do I cannot fake enthusiasm for a project that just isn't all there for me. The concept is there...even most of the materials, but I just don't feel that into it. I think I was doing the 'fake-it-till-you-make-it' thing so that I could get excited about SOMETHING since there hasn't been much, besides tarot blogging, that I seem to care about. Well, except my daughter, and with her starting her Waldorf charter school this fall I really need to find a focus. Although I will still be deeply entrenched in her adjustment and worrying and fretting...well, I need something to keep me feeling half-way normal.
I even asked my husband if he thought I seemed into the venture and he said that I didn't seem all that interested in it. He wasn't entirely sure if some of the flurry of activity was interest or if it was just wanting to be busy doing 'something'. I have to agree with him. What is the point of just doing any old thing just to be doing 'something' ? Doesn't really jive too well. I don't like doing things, especially expensive and prolonged things, just for the heck of it...
But I feel there's a blockage in me and frankly I am not sure how to clear it. I feel tense and miserable about my life, even the good things, and that puzzles me. I think my friend is right when she says that no venture I put out will mean anything or be any good in my eyes (or make much money) if I feel crummy about myself or something about my life. There's a definite dam somewhere in the river of my life and I need to free it up. Not to mention I haven't felt that well physically either. I've been thinking about going back to counseling and this may be a good time to start.
Anyway! Blargh. Going to read briefly and then head to bed.
Hugs to y'all,
MM
Hey Missy
ReplyDeleteI know these feelings only so well. And since you have been reading my blogs for so long, you can probably join the dots. I have had feelings of not feeling good enough or worth enough for a long time. I felt that I wasn't justifying my place on the earth. Remember my wanting to train as a teacher? Remember the mens underwear design job I got? While in those processes, I felt I was doing the right thing and was keeping everyone happy. Everyone except me. I suspect you are a little like this too. I was doing it because it was what I thought I should be doing. And then when it didn't work or I pulled out, I felt even more of a failure than I did before.We are our own biggest critics. We all appreciate you and you have nothing to prove to us.
Give yourself a break and treat getting better as your job for now. I waste so much time trying to be the next 'this' or 'that'. Don't worry about starting businesses and all of that. I think that this card sees you in another stage of burn-out, due to a reoccurring cycle. Kind of like 'we're here again'. I was looking at city fashion jobs again the other day. Why? I mean WHY? I never enjoy the process, but my ego tells me that I will be respected if I take one again. At the end of the day, we have to do what is best for us and those around us. Time out to recharge is one of these things. Feed your creativity in small doses. If you make things, make them for the fun of making and not for sale or part of a business.
Remember, you have nothing to prove to the people that love and care about you.
I hope this doesn't seem like a lecture. But I think I know how you feel because I have felt it so many times before. Rest up and relax for a bit, without guilt :) I was chatting with two friends last night. They feel very much the same. We're not alone.
Your mate, PLN
Aww, thanks!
DeleteHonestly didn't feel like a lecture. I very much appreciate your input. You can lecture me anytime!
I agree. I think I second guess myself because sometimes I really don't know how I feel about something. I get so downright confused, and as you said, I take various expectations and ideas as my own. Maybe they are my own, but they aren't maybe the most key part of me. Or perhaps I SHOULD do all those things but I am stopping myself. But I do think what you said is true.
I think we all have to do what is right for us in this crazy, short life. I was reading a Deepak Chopra book recently and it talked about a concept called dharma. In any event, it mentioned some examples of things flowing. When we feel blocked or like something isn't 'right' then it isn't. If things do feel right, even if we have to work for it, they will fall into place. It isn't quite as cut and dried as I make it sound, but I have witnessed this in my life, too. Things come in their own time, and our pushing and pulling and egos have very little to do with it! So you are so right on the money with the ego comment.
My husband said the same thing to me (numerous times over the years) to not throw myself into something to make money or feel good about myself as a 'success' because that was a dead end. What creates goodness is enjoyment and passion for what you're doing. I think that's what worries me. I seem to lack passion for any particular thing now (again, except for my daughter and for little things here and there). But I need to learn to accept that. I guess there's a time for every purpose (insert song lyrics, etc) and maybe my health is far more important than any venture. I think losing some weight (ugh) and trying to get to the bottom of why I feel depressed is a good start.
Thanks very much, again, for the solidarity. I really, really appreciate it so much.
Much love,
MM