Four of CupsI definitely don't feel all that excited about it. I have tried to get into the process and really enjoy it but I feel like my enthusiasm is just not there. I try to drum up interesting (mostly within myself!) by posting images of things I'm making but something is just missing.
Easily described in the word apathy. An unmistakable detachment from something that once held personal value, be it person, place, or thing. Boredom might possibly be somewhere at the heart of this representation, but it is not due to something that could, should, and even once, held great interest within one no longer present in one’s life.
Something about the 4 of Cups is more active and vital than the usual 4 of Cups, no? But yes...there's this sense of both boredom and outright frustration with this card...and that is me. No matter what I do I cannot fake enthusiasm for a project that just isn't all there for me. The concept is there...even most of the materials, but I just don't feel that into it. I think I was doing the 'fake-it-till-you-make-it' thing so that I could get excited about SOMETHING since there hasn't been much, besides tarot blogging, that I seem to care about. Well, except my daughter, and with her starting her Waldorf charter school this fall I really need to find a focus. Although I will still be deeply entrenched in her adjustment and worrying and fretting...well, I need something to keep me feeling half-way normal.
I even asked my husband if he thought I seemed into the venture and he said that I didn't seem all that interested in it. He wasn't entirely sure if some of the flurry of activity was interest or if it was just wanting to be busy doing 'something'. I have to agree with him. What is the point of just doing any old thing just to be doing 'something' ? Doesn't really jive too well. I don't like doing things, especially expensive and prolonged things, just for the heck of it...
But I feel there's a blockage in me and frankly I am not sure how to clear it. I feel tense and miserable about my life, even the good things, and that puzzles me. I think my friend is right when she says that no venture I put out will mean anything or be any good in my eyes (or make much money) if I feel crummy about myself or something about my life. There's a definite dam somewhere in the river of my life and I need to free it up. Not to mention I haven't felt that well physically either. I've been thinking about going back to counseling and this may be a good time to start.
Anyway! Blargh. Going to read briefly and then head to bed.
Hugs to y'all,