I was feeling particularly discouraged today because I've been working behind-the-scenes on my shop to be opened sometime in March, but the unfortunate truth is that I have been running low on funds to get the shop going. What little money I have left (which isn't much!) I have to use for mundane things like groceries. And while I am grateful I have enough money for groceries, at least for the week, I am frustrated that I can't get everything I need to get for my shop (supplies for the treasure candles such as the treasures themselves, packaging, labels, business cards, or whatever else) I realize that the hurry to get all of these things is self-imposed.
My theory on why I have this rigid agenda is that I am very fearful that I will give up on this venture even before it starts, due to a lack of energy and things sputtering out financially. I am hurrying because I'm rushing against my own tendency to give up. I feel if I delay too long (and in this case it would be about a month and a half give or take) then I will drop the whole damn thing. I tend to spend way more money than I receive and I often feel frustrated with myself for this. During this process, and in previous ventures, I've often thought to myself, 'You know, if you just saved money instead of spending money trying to start up one venture or another you would be much better off.' Now that I see it typed again it makes sense to me still.
When I pulled these three cards this is what was in my mind...this ambivalence about whether to start this thang or not. When I asked my husband about it today he said that I should do it if and only if it would bring me more overall pleasure than pain. He said that he felt that if it was too stressful for me and didn't yield much positive gain then it wouldn't be worth it, but if I found a way to feel relaxed about it then it would be good. I see his point, but I still don't know how to implement his advice. It's one of those things that's easier said than done (especially with this monkey mind). I wish it was something I really felt gung-ho about.
The first card is definitely descriptive and accurate. It says that I feel there's something lacking in my life: love, money or goals. Well, the latter two are definitely true. At least I feel very stymied in these areas. In the book it states the importance of taking steps to improve these areas of lack.
In the next card we have Horseshoe, which just shows general good luck. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but I don't quite know what to do with that. I feel like this is a generally encouraging sign, but maybe it is just wishing me luck, in an almost sarcastic way, 'Good luck with THAT.' Just kidding. :D Something that also comes to mind is that I want to make my own luck and look on the bright side. I want to see the good things I've done already. I want to feel lucky in the moment and not project into the future.
In the final card we have Flag, which is a card that I've learned often means we compromise with what we really want to have happen because we think we can't have it. We lower our standards to mold to whatever we think they have to line up to. I have done this in the past, such as with my hand-painted jewelry business, where I lowered and lowered my prices, but the sales still didn't come. This is a pretty common phenomenon. People don't value us if we don't value ourselves. Fearless self-confidence and self-promotion is often needed in life, in particular if you want anyone else to buy anything from you or exchange in any way with you. This is something I really want to be able to do.
Love,
MM
You and I are so similar, as I have said before. And I think we are going through similar things right now.
ReplyDeleteWe are both creative. And I think that we both want success. Not because we are big heads and want to show off, but because we want to prove our worth and show others what we can do and that we earned our place in the world. Our biggest enemy is our confidence, and in my case, perfectionism. I have had my confidence bashed to a point where I believe that my work isn't good enough and that I will never make any of my dreams come true, Thoughts become reality and they have held me back. As an example of how good thoughts can bring dreams, take a look at Chloes post today. She dared to take a chance and ask for what she wanted because she believed in herself.
But I understand your dilemma 100%. I know that if I don't sew for a day, one day turns into two days. Projects become abandoned. The less I do, the less I want to do. The less I end up believing in myself. That's what happened last week. The way I usually combat those feelings is to start a new project, because then I begin with all of the hope and excitement all over again. And then confidence issues begin because I remember that I never finish or succeed at anything. These thoughts are powerful opponents, yes?
So, right now I am sewing. People are expressing an interest in what I am doing. I have enough patterns to either make enough stock or sink a ship, take your pick. But I still think I should buy more or try this or shell out money on accessories or tissue paper to wrap them in or custom labels or carrier bags for them or more fabric (is seven large tubs not enough?) etc etc etc. And while I am spending and thinking and ordering and worrying, there are four half-finished bags sitting on the side.
My advice would be to start with what you have got. What you have shown so far are beautiful and people are liking them. They are grabbing interest through their individuality. They WILL sell. You can develop your product further down the line with the money you make on these ones. I have made my own swing tickets and labels and packaging with all I have here and very little financial outlay. You are extremely creative and have a great eye for visuals, so I am sure you could do the same with your computer know-how and some printer ink. Like me, you have dreams of how things look and you may want everything to be perfect and ideal straight out.
I know this is all a big ramble. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone: in the way you behave and also in the venture, So many of us are behind you and know you can succeed. When someone buys these things you make for what they ARE worth, it will be such a great [3 of Wands] feeling. I can see this as the start of something important for you and I want you to feel those good feelings.
Keep at it. Make the most of what you have. Materials are still secondary to ideas, inspiration and talent. Always here to chat if you need some creativity bouncing! :) Hope my rambling helps.
PLN
We are both creative. And I think that we both want success. Not because we are big heads and want to show off, but because we want to prove our worth and show others what we can do and that we earned our place in the world. Our biggest enemy is our confidence, and in my case, perfectionism.
DeleteMake that three of us. :(
I love two things: music & writing. I take singing lessons, but after all this time (and despite my teacher saying I can go far if only I stop holding myself back) I still get very frustrated because I don't feel I'm good enough. I don't want to become a rock start, or anything, I want to be able to sing. Join a choir and sing in a local rock band... just to enjoy the music. I love writing lyrics too. But I feel too old to start and I feel no one would ever want me in their band anyways. Sometimes I do feel like giving up entirely because I'm afraid nothing will come of it.
Same goes for writing. I even work in a publishing house, but when I read other people's stuff I ask myself how can I even compete with that? It surprises when people say that like something I've written, because I never quite do.
Not to mention that any criticism throws me in a pit of low-confidence and despair.
We end up being our own worst enemies but constantly doubting ourselves. "Why do I bother? Who said I have the right to succeed? Who said I'm any good at it? Why can't I be satisfied with a normal job instead of wanting to work with art?". You get caught in the dream-grinder.
I've seen pictures of your works, and I think you are extremely talented people! I really hope that you continue with your respective projects, even in the bad days. I'm afraid I don't have any solution or wise words for that, since I'm caught in a similar thing, but I wish the three of us good luck!
Perhaps our work seems a bit senseless right now because it isn't giving immediate results (and our society is addicted to instant success), but I believe we are honing our skills and preparing ourselves for when our opportunity arrives. Planting seeds.
Wow. Thanks for the amazing replies.
DeletePLN, yes...you are right on the money (or lack of money as it were!) with your analysis of both of us. Hah! Low self confidence is an incredible creativity destroyer. The irony is that when I taught art classes before Pele was born that I used to spend a decent amount of time building up the self-esteem of others and trying to help them release their grip on perfectionism and self-sabotage. Artist...heal thyself!
I see this pattern of pursuing then fleeing in me when it comes to creativity. I had a reading from someone one time where he said that it's as if I planted a garden but never stayed around to watch it sprout.
And I think your comment on the packaging and accoutrements for the biz may be accurate too: I'm waiting for everything to be just so for the launch so that I can somehow ward off disappointment. But people don't even care that much about those things. They do to an extent, but they care more about the energy and creativity behind the product itself, and not so much if it has the perfect packaging. But I do think it's good to present things well.
Thank you for your encouragement. You may have saved me from another dive into self-undoing. I will go over to your blog right now to see what you're up to. I'm a little behind in commenting and reading.
Much love and thank you very much for taking the time and interest to relay your own experiences.
Hugs,
Hannah
Marina,
DeleteI absolutely get what you are saying too. I love to sing as well, and I've had similar thoughts to yours. Maybe try journaling them or just letting them be but not stopping them. I have been trying to get into a meditative/reflective mindset rather than a frantic/self-hating mindset. Take nothing personally. Well, you know what I mean! I really think that is the crux of a lot of suffering. We just feel like everything sucks and we suck and suck, suck...
I think another important thing in this process is just to ACT on something, even if you feel really unsure. I have watched a bunch of people who are in super successful positions or enviable jobs and most of the time all they did was a take a chance! They just threw themselves out there, sometimes with very little prior knowledge, and they had amazing experiences and some mishaps. I can definitely tell when I settle into complacency. The familiar feels like a well-worn, comfortable groove, but it has no joy in it.
I think it's so cool that you're taking singing lessons! I do agree about planting seeds...and also having the courage to do weird things and whatever else. Anyway. Thank you so much for weighing in, Marina! We need to have a brokenhearted artist club. Hee.
Much Love,
MM