Sunday, July 21, 2013
A Mercury Retrograde Retrospective: Attachment
So! My Mercury Retrograde break is over. I have to say, I meant to do a heck of a lot more things than I did. I would say that my break consisted of more emotional rather than practical things. It was interesting, but definitely less to-do list friendly and more emotional spelunking. I'm not sure what to think of it.
In any case, I guess it's appropriate that the card I pulled today from my Gaia Oracle app on my phone is 'Attachment' which speaks of the difficult but essential process of letting go, and the feelings that this brings up. I think that I have 'attachment' issues. Both as an attachment parent and as someone who has abandonment issues, the roots of which I can't quite determine.
I think of my attachment to my daughter, who I've spent every day for nearly eight years with, who I am about to send off to school, and that this represents a longer process of independence for her, and how this process may not be so easy for me, especially as someone with such wounds and fears surrounding personal independence, and a general phobia of going out into the world.
Another thing that came up during the retrograde is something I've touched on here before but I believe it came into focus especially clearly, which is my feelings of shame at being interested in tarot and the occult/metaphysical. While I try to act like I feel carefree in my enjoyment of these things, I often feel torn and skeptical. I know this is a common issue for readers and I've seen several people write about it. When speaking to a friend about it, I realized how much energy I've spent trying to downplay parts of my personality, finding nothing but shame and embarrassment in them.
I can only imagine how much this hurts me on both the conscious and subconscious levels. I think everything is tied together--which is part of why holistic topics have always held such sway in my beliefs. Yet I've spent a shit ton of energy trying to look blasé about things that I am interested in, and to try to completely avoid discussing them with most people. To me, this is about the negative vibration of fear, holding back-an inability to let go.
So when I saw this card this is what I thought about. On a more positive note, I had a more personal and emotional conversation with my brother, which was really unexpected and very cool, something that hasn't happened in ages. It was nice to open up and be less defensive about what I would normally talk about around family. I realized how much I hold back in day to day life, and how I often fear the results of saying the wrong thing or even thinking a certain way. I feel like it's only a matter of time before something unpleasant goes down with regards to my beliefs.
I did have a friend of mine tell me she deeply disliked something I had recommended to her book-wise, which did trigger a lot of feelings of insecurity in me, and a desire to normalize the event, or make it seem like I really didn't care about it, but I realize that I need to learn to accept what I feel. I have a deep, painful need for acceptance and validation, but there are many times when what I may be interested in may be insulting to someone else. This friend did point out that she learned a valuable lesson in standing on her own and really acknowledging her own beliefs and needs when something did not jive with her. I was hoping to learn the same thing from the experience, but I have not yet done so.
When I stopped to think about it, I can think of several instances where someone's beliefs made me cringe and want to crawl into a hole or cut them out of my life, but to them it felt right, and it aligned with who they are. I find that there's a great deal of self-rejection involved in my interaction with others, where I feel like I must be a certain way to mold to whatever they feel or think. I know many people do this, and I see it a lot. It is said that we feel we must bend to the point of breaking.
Mostly I worry about the unpredictable nature of humanity. I am afraid of people being angry at me--I am afraid of my own anger, or my own vulnerability. I am afraid to hurt anyone, and I am afraid of being hurt. But when you look at valuable insights from people such as Brene Brown, you see that vulnerability is the very thing that you should be embracing. That fulfillment and deep connection is only possible through this. As one of my friends recently told me, 'A sky without clouds is very boring.' She was drawing a metaphor to the necessity of struggle and the beauty that came from its resolution. It takes bravery. To quote a Tori Amos lyric, "The sexiest thing is trust."
I'm still not sure how to go beyond the sensations of fear and pain in my interactions with others and myself. I am not entirely sure how not to obsess over things that bother me. I don't think it's entirely possible to do so, but I think for now what I would like to do is truly focus on love, as the card suggests.