Saturday, September 28, 2013

Guilt Surrounding Work Decisions and Commitments

I would like to report that I feel vastly better today than yesterday, but it's not really the case. I have a painful yet productive cough, congestion and headache, tiredness, etc. Hopefully at the very least I'll feel better by Monday. Anyyywayyy...on to the reading.

I decided to do two pairs of cards for a total of four. I thought I could pair these cards together and also read them as a whole. At a glance, I feel like these cards are referring to work decisions again. This time I feel it specifically mentions me since the woman card shows up. Or, it could show a woman as being instrumental in helping with work decisions. Either way.

The Ring card comes up, mentioning a partnership or commitment. I think this makes sense. I am in the process of trying to decide what ideas to pair up with--and what to commit my time to. I still have a fairly limited window of time in which to actually 'work' since I have to commute to bring my daughter to school and then to fetch her back. My husband can occasionally get my daughter on the months when he doesn't work late, but that's hard to count on, especially when his work is being flaky about when he has to come in. So, I have about four hours a day, really, from 10am-2pm, to do things away from my daughter. And that includes grocery shopping, cleaning/laundry, errands, the works. I have found that it doesn't seem like very much time. It is a little frustrating because it feels like being given a short leash with which to roam. But...I am grateful for the time I do have. It is far more time than I've had to myself in the eight years since my daughter has been born.

BUT...this short window of four hours is part of why I have found it difficult to decide how to commit my time. On top of wanting to do something to make money in a field of my choice, I also have been asked (along with the other school parents) to volunteer at the school and in my daughter's classroom. On the one hand, I want to help, but on the other hand...I really, really don't want to help. LOL! My daughter's teacher is a lovely person and the school is a really good cause and it obviously is important to my daughter, but yet I feel torn about it. As it is, I use up quite a bit of gas driving to another town several times a day in order for her to go to this school.

It isn't just the gas or cost (which is a consideration since we are broke and often a tank of gas is something I can't afford another of when we have to decide between gas and groceries), but also the feeling of commitment and whether I want to commit to helping out on a weekly basis or however often it is. For no money! I realize that volunteering is a beautiful and worthy thing--but I feel like I have to choose between volunteering and working on a project on my own. I don't feel like I really have time for both.  And then there's the part where I don't really love working with groups of kids...

I hate it when I feel this way...being torn between possibilities. When I feel like I can't decide or just don't WANT to decide. I feel pressured from inside and out.  When I look back to the cards I see the woman turned away from the ring of commitment. I see the fox under her, wanting to avoid a decision (Fox+Crossroads). The site has this:

Fox + crossroad (22): smart decision, shrewd decision, decision about a job

I definitely think a smart decision is in order. What would serve me best? I don't want to be insanely selfish but I want to be selfish enough that I feel like I am being true to myself. I don't want to live my life in a way that just seems like a good idea because I don't feel guilty (i.e. the volunteering). I hate it when I am deciding between what is good for me and feels good and what is good for society and is helpful and chaste, etc. I wish they were the same thing!

Some of these other combinations make sense for my predicament, too:

Ring + snake (7): agreement with a woman, relationship with “another” woman, difficult contract
This points out the tricky feeling of deciding this. I was watching a video with that lady Teal Scott recently, about how to say no. She said the problem is that people tend to feel that they're deciding between what they want and would make them feel good and what they don't really want to do but they think would make them a good person. I know it isn't ALWAYS the case but I have found this to be true. Say I feel burnt out and don't want to go to a party--but I would feel horrible about saying no because it's the birthday of a family member or friend. Often I will say yes then feel tense and stressed after just because I did something when I didn't feel up to it. This happened recently and I got sick with this cold right after doing it because I had been stressed right before and I think this made me more susceptible to the illness. As a result, I got sick, my daughter got sick, and now my husband probably will too. We just got over a cold maybe a week and a half ago!

Anyway. I am a person who needs a lot of time away from society and to myself. I realize that now. I guess I should accept this. Or is there a happy medium? Can I help out only occasionally, and not regularly? Part of the discomfort is being honest with whoever I'm speaking to about this and trying to work things out without being offensive. Hehee.

There's this combination which also works with what I'm talking about:

Ring + fox (14): job offer, employment contract, dishonest agreement

It would be dishonest for me to say that I would just love to volunteer and yippy yay...but then enter into something I don't want, with resentment, and have it not be an open, true situation that is positive for all concerned. I don't want that! Yet I don't want to be completely self-interested. I don't confusing. If you really want to get nefarious you can use this combination:

Fox + snake (7): liar, deception, danger

That is absolutely what I want to avoid! I value honesty greatly. Perhaps I should be honest with my daughter's teacher and tell her that I am afraid to commit to volunteering when I am not sure what I plan to do with my time in terms of work or personal pursuits.  I think that I will consider doing just that this weekend or next week. I am still not quite sure how I want to approach this, but I want to be honest and considerate, whatever I decide.



  1. That is a tough situation! Being asked to volunteer and feeling you ought to, but not actually enjoying working with kids, what a catch 22. I think you're on the right track with talking to the teacher and being fairly honest about needing time for other pursuits, too. As you say, doing something and resenting it ultimately won't be good for anyone involved. I'm sure the kids would pick up on it, they are sensitive to things like that. And you certainly have plenty of reasons to need to do other things.
    Good luck finding a way that you feel comfortable to express your needs courteously.

    1. Thank you, Kerry!

      Yeah, I feel badly about it. Especially because I kind of already agreed to it. Plus, I signed up with the school district, saying I could volunteer. The acceptance process has not been finalized (they have to do background checks, etc) and I realize I could get out of it at any time, but I just feel guilty, guilty, guilty. Plus I wonder if maybe I wouldn't mind it as much as I think I would? Maybe I would even like it?

      I'm sure I'll figure it out--just makes me nervous!


  2. You have a lot on your plate. The best thing you can do is being honest. To yourself and to the school. In my opinion any decision made out of guilt is destined to fail. Perhaps you can talk with the school people and explain that you're not up to volunteering right now. That will leave the situation open and it will give you time to consider what you really want. I also would consider to tell them in confidence about your financial problems. Just be honest. And take care of yourself first. That is best for you and your family

    1. Thank you, Ellen! Yeah...I need to make some solid decisions on what to do. I've considered going ahead and volunteering on a very limited basis to start, just to see how I feel about it. I am not sure quite how that would work, but we shall see. Thank you for your lovely support! :)