Tuesday, April 21, 2015
None of the Above
Now, I'm beginning to think this is somewhat the case with me and my personal interests. I tend to see things narrowly. I realized this in full technicolor recently, while I was trying, yet again, to push myself into a tight box defined as what I thought I could do, as opposed to what might exist outside of that box in a world full of possibility.
I never thought of myself as overly logical, as I value intuition and creativity above all, but I find that I've been operating largely on a left-brained level, thinking my way into and out of situations (mostly creative ventures) which seem logical (since, those things are things I 'can' do) but are largely unsatisfying to me. In my rare intuitive state I see a little tiny flicker of recognition, where I see that I'm boxing myself in, not seeing the wider array of options that I'm really open to.
For instance, how many stories have you heard of an artist who suddenly discovers they love cooking pastries and opens up an amazing organic bakery? Or the accountant turned musician? Or the lawyer who become a midwife or any number of things. It's not a logical leap. It's just a passion. As Michael Neil would say--there's nothing logical about desire. You want it because you want it, not because so and so said you should want it. Your desire is beautiful in its unreasonableness. Maybe someone wants to travel all over the world but it doesn't seem practical financially. And yet...they're really pulled to do it. And that being the case, the pull is often enough by itself to get the person there. As long as they're willing to be pulled forward by that desire and sense of exploration.
And that's where I think my main issue comes in. I'm not really willing to be pulled much of the time. I keep my creativity in a bit of a choke hold. I want to follow the breadcrumb trail of my inspiration, intuition and passion, but yet I'm also very afraid to at the same time.
Let me add that there's nothing wrong with any of the things I've done creatively. All of creativity is worthwhile and good. Whether I'm painting or writing or photo editing or making soaps or bath salts it's all good. But it may, however, not really be something I want to take on as a major thing.
At the moment, when I find myself looking at my options, including doing tarot reading professionally, I don't feel drawn to any of it. So, I find myself choosing the sometimes uncomfortable quiet space of 'None of the above', at least at the moment, because I get the feeling there's a buried desire that I'm not following. I'm always settling for that semi-logical choice. My goal now is just to find that spark and let it turn into a bonfire, or at least a camp fire.