Sunday, July 26, 2015

Up and Away: Month Long Blogging Hiatus

I pulled this card this morning. I'm going to take a little blogging break but I wanted a send off by the Tarot Nova. I generally see this card as meaning either transitioning from one thing to another (usually an improvement, as the traditional image on this card is a ship sailing away from stormy seas), or of travel, or some other thing involving movement. The change may be mental, too, as swords are about the mind, ideas, and thinking in general. This deck is curious, though:

"To achieve security and happiness you've got to plan your goals carefully now. Knowing when to say no will help you maintain your integrity. Take some time for yourself."

I like their meaning, even though I definitely wouldn't call it traditional. Not that it matters to me. Sometimes I like having meanings be standard, but then again, what fun would that be? There are general meanings to the cards, and there are the various twists and turns and personal interpretations. You can almost visualize the idea they're illustrating here if you see the hot air balloon as something of a little hermit hut. The person is hunkering down and planning for his/her future. They're seeming to take time for themselves.

I like the to-the-point, practical meaning over at the Psychic Revelations website. It speaks to me:

"Generally the 6 shows at least a slight reduction in stress and strain. Things may not be perfect, but they are going to be better than they may have been in the recent past. Take this time to get your head above water and decide where you're going from here. Even a short break or change of scenery will be helpful. This doesn't have to cost money. "

The idea of movement is still present in the image of the card--as this character is carried away by a hot air balloon. It seems like an act of trust, since it's not a predictable vessel exactly. The combination of personal will (deciding to embark on the journey), and vulnerability/surrender (letting the wind direct your course you), is an interesting image that I'll carry with me.

See you all at the end of August!


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

This Time Two Years Ago

I like looking back at readings I've done months or even years ago. It gives me some perspective on where I was, where I am now in relation to that, and is just an interesting look at life in general. The pull you see above was done on July 22nd, 2013, exactly two years ago today. To see the full reading, click here. Sometimes I'll see patterns in how I'm feeling and what I'm doing at different times of the year. During the summer months I tend to battle ennui and trying to figure out how to entertain my daughter on a limited budget, although that was true year-round for 7.5 years while she was home, but it seems more pronounced in the summer at times.

In the winter I feel kind of tense and agitated--I am not a fan of winter driving, and I always feel a bit conflicted about holiday plans. Thinking of going places but not having good scheduling or money available to do so. Anyway, the part I like best about going back and looking over events from the past is that I can see where I am doing better than I was. I can clearly see that things worked out better than I thought they would (in most cases!) and the things that went wrong could've been a lot worse. In many ways, it's comforting to see where I've been and where I end up. Some parts of the journey have been scary, but I still feel lucky to be where I am now.


Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Trusting in Emotion: Life's Check Engine Light

Speaking for myself, for most of my life, when I get strong feelings around something, especially strong negative emotions, I have found myself pushing them away, or otherwise distracting myself from them. The more I could hold them at arm's length, the more I felt 'proud' of myself for not giving in to fear, anger, sadness, pettiness, jealousy, and other so-called lower emotions. This, I believe, created a massive amount of anxiety for someone who is inherently very emotional, very intuitive and very nervous as a result. This is, perhaps, the foundation of my anxiety and lack of self respect. I've felt since a very young age that I was a failure because I could not control my emotions or the anxiety I had--which often resulted in major anxiety attacks.

However, over time I've come to see emotions as very reliable indicators of something that's attempting to bubble to the surface and gain my attention. For some reason, it seems very common to not trust our emotions as indicators, as in on a dash board. For instance, as you'll see vaguely in the background of my photo here, the dials on a car indicate what's going on with the car. Similarly, messages pop up such as 'check engine' or that snazzy icon you get when your tire has been punctured. In any case, as annoying as those symbols are, they are indicating something in need of immediate focus and resolution.

Many times, what is needed isn't anything dramatic.  You might just need a break, a laugh, some delicious healthy food, more sleep, some semblance of hope. You're feeling worn down, in a rut, neglected in some way, broke, burnt out, fed up. Whatever it is, it's something that's worthy of your attention.  In my case today, I found myself feeling particularly crummy. My body ached, my head hurt, I felt like I was slogging through mud and I was so fatigued I actually fell asleep a few times.  My period is heavy today, my daughter was whining, complaining and demanding all day long and everything I did was an exercise in futility. I tried really hard to rally my energy despite this. Worse, this is a condition that I've dealt with for a long time so I felt what people commonly call 'going postal'. I felt anger and frustration rising in me and when my husband returned home I left the house. I found myself wishing things like never having a child, or just generally being someone else. These are classic escapist thoughts, and I knew that, even while thinking them.

As I sat sipping some coffee and having a pretty crappy gluten-free cookie (this ritual being my 'fuck you' to the Universe today--I know I don't need the caffeine or the sugar), I started to go through a laundry list of what I was doing wrong and why were certain things not budging from where I thought they should be? Why was I still stressed out, broke and living paycheck to paycheck, depressed, uninspired, frazzled, feeling unwell, having the same old issues despite my efforts? Was my best not even close to good enough? It didn't seem that way.

But then, I slowed down a little bit and felt compassion for myself. My expectations often get the better of me. I think that things should always go a certain way, and if they don't, I try to blame everything on myself and then feel guilty about it. But sometimes, in fact many times, a whole lot of things just don't (and never will) go the way we think they should. This often unconscious self blaming and shaming ritual of mine causes me a lot of grief. It's an internal pressure to always do better than I'm doing, and never feeling good about who I am and what I'm doing or not doing.

So, when I pulled these two cards while parked in the parking lot of the grocery store I felt a deep recognition of what they might be saying. The Ace of Cups is the pure energy of feeling, emotion and intuition. It's the wellspring of creativity. It's sustenance. Some tarotists have even called it the 'crying' card. This is something I did in the car yesterday on the way to meet a dear friend who is in town. Over time, I've forgotten how to cry. My emotions often remain trapped under the surface, just like my creativity and my sense of joy and hope. And when it comes up, like many people, I find it uncomfortable. I don't like crying, but acknowledgement of emotions is truly important.

The Fool comes in to remind me to trust myself and my feelings. Along with emotional expression, I've disallowed trust and risk in my life as well. I've made my world pretty small and tight most of the time. For several years during the worst parts of my daughter's illness I did this as a self-protective measure. But now it has just become a prison. I'm like the caged bird whose door is open but refuses to fly. I know I am supposed to fly, but I don't care. I'm used to being where I am.  So that's my slowly retrain myself to try things, to open up, to let go of notions of life that are holding me back. I don't need to do anything crazy, I just need to trust in myself and take action from that place.


Friday, July 10, 2015

Summer Focus Trio: Obedience, Intuition and Honesty

Here are three cards I pulled today in reference to the topic of a summer focus. I even tried to put the obedience card back, shuffled it, only to pull it again. OYE! Haha. Sorry. Obedience isn't my favorite card or topic in general. Hehee. The gist of this Obedience card is to play the game, play by the rules. Stay on the path, don't stray too far left or right. There's a reason to the path and sometimes going too far afoul of it is just a bad idea.

Honesty is just what it sounds like. Honesty in word and deed. Don't deceive myself into thinking I want something when I don't. Don't convince myself I don't need something when I do. That sort of thing. I do find this helpful, and I do value honesty. I think that it's harder to pin down our honest needs than we realize--especially as most of us have a slew of self-protective mechanisms built in. But I'm learning to trust my innate wisdom and timing.

And that brings me to the middle card. The Moon is about that inner guidance. Intuition and instinct. The subtitle says the best way to move through uncertainty or darkness of any sort is to use your gut. I completely agree with the quote from the card's description where it says first to honor what you feel about a situation on a deep level, whether it makes sense on a practical and obvious level or not:

"Sometimes people will say one thing, and you have a weird feeling that they mean something else altogether."

I admit that I don't always honor those feelings. I get them, sometimes very strongly, but I hold back, perhaps thinking that I'm being unreasonable if I don't like or trust so and so--only to find later that it was important that I hadn't followed a certain path. That doesn't mean I haven't made a million and one mistakes along the way--just that I've seen and heard enough to know that gut instinct is real.

So, I'll try to work within established paths but at the same time working with my personal honesty and intuition, seeing where they lead me. It's a strange combination, these cards, but on the other hand it makes sense. A lot of times the sorts of changes we make are gradual and more careful--not wild and out of the blue. Sometimes obedience can be a helpful thing.


Thursday, July 2, 2015

Sinus Health Reading

I've not felt that great physically lately. I do tend to have some chronic health issues, especially revolving around my sinuses/ears/lungs, bladder, etc. There are some key areas for chronic pain.

Through various means, lots of research, trial and error, I've been working to improve my situation. Dietary changes (no dairy, gluten, minimal grains, probiotic foods as well as high potency multi-flora probiotics, herbs), sinus flushes, and on and on. I've noted that stress causes symptoms to linger, and anxiety is my Achilles Heel.

I've been more focused about improving my sinus health, doing things like removing congesting foods (dairy being the obvious one, but there are others), and the like. I think that healing my gut is another big player--and I'm working on that, too. In any case, though I don't feel that great and my energy level isn't amazing (sinus drainage, some congestion in my lungs, sinus headaches, fatigue, blah, blah), I'm focused on healing myself. I'm more dedicated to feeling better.

The cards I pulled on this topic look pretty good overall. You have the 4 of Swords, recommending rest and recovery, always an important piece for wellbeing. You have the Page of Pentacles, indicating new beginnings in the area of health. The 10 of Cups invites positive emotional and family connections to help one feel loved, supported and healthy. And the Wheel of Fortune promises that things can change for the better, even when we fear they can't.

See you all next week. My hubby will be home for a few days so I want to concentrate on spending time with him!

Lots of Love,